Decisions with Dignity

I’ve got a lot on my mind.  On one hand I want to say that I’ve had a tough last year, but on the other hand I want to say that I have been so blessed by the struggles of this last year because I am such a stronger person today than I was a year ago.  I may complain about my job, but it has given me so much insight to how the world works and how people are and which people have good life balance and which ones don’t.  I know more than ever what I want for the rest of my life and yet there are still so many possibilities to fill into all of the details of it.  Regardless, I think a lot about how my dad might think and feel about the decisions I am making.

I know that in my life I have made a lot of mistakes, but I also would not be the person I am today if I did not have them.  I grow with each new struggle.  I put a lot of trust in situations and just hope for the best with many of them.  I look at every situation and over-analyze the crap out of it, because I like to be prepared for any possible outcome.  I can feel that I am within the critical years of my life where I really define who I am by the choices I make that I will base the rest of my life around.  And, I know I am on the right track.

I once had the most amazing connection with a man who told me straight to my face, and shocked me because of how well our lives seem to connect on so many different levels, “Sara, I feel like I may hold you back if this continues. … I feel you will find someone better out there for you than me.”  Despite how wonderful I know this person is, I know, too, that he spoke truth that day.  I have so much more potential and desire for more than what he could offer me in this lifetime of mine.  I still see that potential and desire as fluid and constantly changing, so I don’t know where I want to end up.  I do know that when I feel like something is right or wrong I follow that feeling, and I am so glad that others in my life have been capable to share when they too felt that I deserve more or at least something different than what they were able to offer me.

I want so much more for myself.  My favorite speaker once said, “I will not let you play ‘follow the guru.’  I will lead you to me, and you will be lost.” I have felt a bit lost recently, though I don’t know whose path I may have been following.  I’m also tired, and I want that to end.  I have a friend who tells me that if I am not getting at least seven hours of sleep than it’s not really worth going to bed, or something like that.  That makes me smile at this hour, since I will not be getting seven hours of sleep and it’s something I need to work harder at accomplishing, going to bed at a decent hour.  It is just one of the many things that would make my life more picture-perfect.

I must sleep.  Sweet dreams.

"Be A Champion"

I am loving the song "Hall of Fame" by The Script, and I have been focusing on my big dreams.  It's amazing what I've been able to accomplish the last couple weeks since I've been able to get more sleep at night.  Scarier yet, I've been having the most amazing dreams at night as well.  I don't know how long it has been since I have had such real dreams daily.  It's been almost difficult to realize what world is real and which is my dream world.  My actual dreams here on Earth have a lot more to do with my fitness and future family goals than anything, and I have begun to get back into my training so I may be a champion for my future family.

I often wonder what my dad may think about where I am in life.  I absolutely have his work ethic, but I seem to burn myself out often with my inability to slow down when I need it most.  He seemed to fight with everything he had for his family as well.  I wonder what he would think about the people who have had the most influence in my life since he left his body.  I wonder what he would think about the lifestyle I have embraced.  I wonder what he would say about the boys I have dated and what advice he may give me about finding a best friend in a man, a man I could marry.  I appreciate when my mom says to me, "your dad would be very proud of you;" it brings me to tears when she gives her support and includes my dad with it.  I wish I had more positive people in my life right now to bring me confirmation.

It's hard for me to work at my job because I am bored with it, tired of the same thing every different day, and disgusted with the people who work for the company and are complacent with their mediocre positions and lifestyles and do not see that they have so much more potential than where they currently are in this world.  It's exhausting to be so positive around such negative energy.  I need change.

Here's to raising the bar[bell] and making changes.

"Shines on Me, Shines on You"

I'm happy, but I am also scared.  I'm anxious for what is coming next in my life.  Work has been great, and my reputation stands strong within my market and regional leadership.  My personal life is getting better and better every day.  What a difference a year makes!  Ha ha.  My schooling for physical therapy is just ahead of me, and I cannot wait to dive deep into my observational hours this next year.  I am so lucky to have the life I live!  I am excited to see the progress the next year will bring!

It's still a very difficult time of the year for me.  I probably repeat myself on this topic with every recent post.  The holidays are fast approaching, and I work in the retail industry.  My schooling is getting deep into material.  Add the two together and my spare time is next to none.  I am doing my best to keep as balanced as possible, and I am so far exceeding.  I am hoping the cold weather and snow take their time arriving.  I would like to get through the rest of this year without any additional stress.

I'm not ready to reveal every detail that is going on in my world, but I can say that their is one specific person in this world who has been impacting my life recently in several subtle ways.  [If you're reading this and you're this one person, hold me close and never let go.]  It's as though my life's chemical makeup is experiencing plate tectonic movement, my thoughts and emotions are experiencing unfamiliar vibrations, and my world could at any moment encounter a rush of change.  I doubt the changes in my world will be quite as extreme as a geomagnetic reversal, but it carries a similar level of impact in this short life of mine.

Now that I have successfully excited you with my science analogies, I would personally like a weekend just to lie under the stars and watch the world turn.  I look forward to life slowing down next year so I may do exactly this!  Less than 13 weeks to go!

"Perfect Timing"

I've been feeling burnt out lately.  Despite recently mentioning how I am loving my job more and more, I am in the busiest time of year and am having a hard time keeping up with all of the changes.  It's nothing new; it happens every year.  Still, in my position, the weight on my shoulders is heavy, and I would like to be able to have a clean desk again.  The last two mornings I went in at 6 am to have some quiet time to get some important things caught up.  I am going to try to only work a half day tomorrow, so I can relax before my evening college class exam.

I know my class is draining me, as I have not been adequately spending time outside of class to study the material.  It's only one of many things I am trying to juggle in my mind, though,  and it hasn't been anywhere near the top of my priority list.  I am concerned about the first exam I have tomorrow.  I know that the material only becomes more complex from here.  I may have to cancel my fall drive up north to study.  But, I feel that finding a quiet place to study away from my normal distractions may be more beneficial than my staying home to study; I'm not as motivated to study when there are so many other things that I'd rather give my attention to at home.

This last weekend, I had a visitor in town who received all my attention.  Who knew how quickly a year could pass and then just a week almost on a whim could have a friend from far away sharing the weekend with me.  I believe my friend and I had "perfect timing" in making this last weekend work, and I can only hope that this "perfect timing" continues into the future.

The Gift of Love

I don't know exactly why today has been so emotionally difficult.  Part of it may be that I had a long, hard week with work, college classes, friends, and family.  Maybe it’s because I have a theoretical empty space in my heart, a feeling of not being completely whole.  Perhaps it has everything to do with my thoughts about my goals for the next year.  And, another part of my mind tells me it has something to do with choices I’ve made in the past and wondering today, with an effect like disrupting a still body of water while unintentionally kicking up the sand while walking through it, how relationships with my family may be different had certain things happened differently.  I still know I’m right where I want to be, I’m simply impatient for what is to come.  Still, today has been a tear-jerker of a day, and the fall weather is setting in too, which hasn’t helped cheer up the day.

I feel like in writing a few sentences, I may have answered my own question; maybe I know exactly why today has been difficult.  Family and friends have been on vacation recently, and I have been tending to their usual needs while away.  The tasks were nothing I couldn’t handle, and I was pleased to be able to help.  Work is going well, and I tried to get caught up best I could.  I’m still so far behind in getting donation processing completed, imaging paperwork copied and sent in, and I would have liked to have made more phone calls before my time was up today to get all of the hiring set up for next week.  My boss likes to remind me that I am doing a great job, but I’m exhausted.  And, I’m not just exhausted from work; college has me embracing organic chemistry with every spare moment I am willing to allow it.  I need to remind myself I need more sleep so that I may better focus when I sit down to study.  My friends have been great and are keeping me pumped up with the last few runs of the year coming quickly and also are slowly filling up my running calendar for next year.  I am getting better, too, at sharing my feelings with my family and reminding them of the love and appreciation I have for them.

The theoretical empty space in my heart is really an overflowing desire to pour out more love and appreciation.  I wish so badly that there was one person in my life that could say to me, “you’re worth everything.”  I haven’t found that person, yet.  My mother likes to remind me how I have so many [single male] friends.  Yes, I do have them.  But, despite frequent hopeful attempts and opening my world up to people, I haven’t found the open arms and strong emotional connection I desire.  I was just told today, from one of the guys I went on a few dates with last year and am still friends with, that I’m intimidating.  It made me chuckle; I’m not scary.  I’m very soft and kind-hearted.  My girlfriends laughed when one of them said to me “I can’t figure out what’s wrong with you,” in relation to me not having luck with men.  I figure it’s the world’s way of saying that the man meant for me is still having work done in his heart and isn’t done “growing” yet.  Or, maybe I’m not quite done “growing.”

I’ve come a long way since my days as a fearless high school graduate in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  Today I watched “TheUltimate Gift,” a movie I watched years ago and recently read the sequel that was created into a movie as well that is just out in theaters.  It’s a tear-jerker and made me think about things that I’ve done, about my life with my dad, about my relationships with my siblings, and about the distance between extended family members.  We all seem to create our own families with the people we love around us, blood-relatives or not.  I do my best to live in the moment with all of them.  This can be difficult with my future-thinking as I move toward my dreams and also with my stresses and deadlines with work and college, but I feel good about my friendships and fearlessly living in the moments.

Another reason why I know I’m struggling now is because for more than five minutes I sat thinking about my life with suppressed fears surfacing; I have fears that I don’t communicate with my family or friends.  I put on this happy face and remind myself to be strong every day.  I am so grateful for all I have, and I hope that all of my dietary changes in the last few years allow me many, many more years to be grateful for.  I remember going to the drive-ins during high school summer break and praying during the meteor shower, desiring more years for my dad even if it mean transferring some of what he was going through to me.  But, any good-hearted person going through such a disease wouldn’t wish it upon even their worst enemy.  And, writing it out helps me release these worries and stress.  It would be a tragedy for me to leave this world without spreading the love and knowledge I have to more people!

WOOOooo!

[And, Sara is smiling again like usual.]