Angry at Great Falls

So, I have my feedjit account that tells me who stops in to visit.  The the night of June 20th Great Falls stopped in.  Surprise.  You, Great Falls, didn't read the one post about you that I deleted.  I hope you don't think of me much longer.  I don't know what it was that made you second guess everything and let me go.  Craziness.  I wish I knew better the details.  I wanted you in my dream.  I told my friend Nick about you yesterday, and his supportive self helped me through some of the issues that I had trouble with you.

Take nine eleven.  Nick told me similarly how horrible it is that I would think so poorly about our country having involvement.  But, when he also said how poorly some people choose to do their jobs to prevent such an event, then everything made more sense.  I see how poorly people do their jobs everyday.  I wish we wouldn't have fought over this.  I hate to think that you may think poorly of me for thinking as I have.

I wanted to share things with you.  Take running.  I was always a runner.  It helps my heart condition stay under control better than if I don't.  I enjoy the alone time in the outdoors, in the rain especially and in sand.  Hail and wind and cold water made Oregon's beach fun; that will always be a good memory.  I wish I had been healthier and felt better.  I wanted to run a marathon because I felt it would bring us together, give us a reason to celebrate.  I want my dream more though.  I need to move forward from here just for me.  Looking at my marathon training schedule makes me think of you daily; I want to be able to let you go.

I think about you late at night at work when it is really slow.  I think about whether I would still feel for you if you walked into the building at any moment looking for me.  I know better.  I don't know what I have to offer you.  I'm not the right person for you at this point in my life.  I have no money.  And, I bet I was fairly depressing to hang out with in Oregon.  I think if I saw you again I'd cry and tell you to leave me.

I need this, to be apart from you, to be able to focus more on me.  And still, I questioned Nick about the helicopter pilots in Iraq.  He told me you probably wouldn't be there long.  He told me that things happen but rarely.  It sounds like you'll be pretty safe over there.  And, if not, Nick will come to find what's left of you, lol.  I know that's not funny.

My mother is getting married in less than a month.  I imagine my brother will in the next year.  My sister did this year.  My sister is going to give birth in a couple months.  None of it really excites me.  I am absolutely depressing.  I am absolutely depressing.  I'm sad.  I cried again today while I wrote this.  I'm angry you stopped by.  I know its you.  You come from Facebook.  Who else would come directly?

And, to think I probably watched for you for a week or two as well.  It's perfect that you waited.  I'm still angry.  Frustrated.  Disappointed.  But, I'll keep telling myself I'm over it.  I've been getting a lot of support from everyone back home.  I'm doing okay.  I'll be okay, trust me.  The doctors are taking great care of me.