Decisions with Dignity

I’ve got a lot on my mind.  On one hand I want to say that I’ve had a tough last year, but on the other hand I want to say that I have been so blessed by the struggles of this last year because I am such a stronger person today than I was a year ago.  I may complain about my job, but it has given me so much insight to how the world works and how people are and which people have good life balance and which ones don’t.  I know more than ever what I want for the rest of my life and yet there are still so many possibilities to fill into all of the details of it.  Regardless, I think a lot about how my dad might think and feel about the decisions I am making.

I know that in my life I have made a lot of mistakes, but I also would not be the person I am today if I did not have them.  I grow with each new struggle.  I put a lot of trust in situations and just hope for the best with many of them.  I look at every situation and over-analyze the crap out of it, because I like to be prepared for any possible outcome.  I can feel that I am within the critical years of my life where I really define who I am by the choices I make that I will base the rest of my life around.  And, I know I am on the right track.

I once had the most amazing connection with a man who told me straight to my face, and shocked me because of how well our lives seem to connect on so many different levels, “Sara, I feel like I may hold you back if this continues. … I feel you will find someone better out there for you than me.”  Despite how wonderful I know this person is, I know, too, that he spoke truth that day.  I have so much more potential and desire for more than what he could offer me in this lifetime of mine.  I still see that potential and desire as fluid and constantly changing, so I don’t know where I want to end up.  I do know that when I feel like something is right or wrong I follow that feeling, and I am so glad that others in my life have been capable to share when they too felt that I deserve more or at least something different than what they were able to offer me.

I want so much more for myself.  My favorite speaker once said, “I will not let you play ‘follow the guru.’  I will lead you to me, and you will be lost.” I have felt a bit lost recently, though I don’t know whose path I may have been following.  I’m also tired, and I want that to end.  I have a friend who tells me that if I am not getting at least seven hours of sleep than it’s not really worth going to bed, or something like that.  That makes me smile at this hour, since I will not be getting seven hours of sleep and it’s something I need to work harder at accomplishing, going to bed at a decent hour.  It is just one of the many things that would make my life more picture-perfect.

I must sleep.  Sweet dreams.

"Be A Champion"

I am loving the song "Hall of Fame" by The Script, and I have been focusing on my big dreams.  It's amazing what I've been able to accomplish the last couple weeks since I've been able to get more sleep at night.  Scarier yet, I've been having the most amazing dreams at night as well.  I don't know how long it has been since I have had such real dreams daily.  It's been almost difficult to realize what world is real and which is my dream world.  My actual dreams here on Earth have a lot more to do with my fitness and future family goals than anything, and I have begun to get back into my training so I may be a champion for my future family.

I often wonder what my dad may think about where I am in life.  I absolutely have his work ethic, but I seem to burn myself out often with my inability to slow down when I need it most.  He seemed to fight with everything he had for his family as well.  I wonder what he would think about the people who have had the most influence in my life since he left his body.  I wonder what he would think about the lifestyle I have embraced.  I wonder what he would say about the boys I have dated and what advice he may give me about finding a best friend in a man, a man I could marry.  I appreciate when my mom says to me, "your dad would be very proud of you;" it brings me to tears when she gives her support and includes my dad with it.  I wish I had more positive people in my life right now to bring me confirmation.

It's hard for me to work at my job because I am bored with it, tired of the same thing every different day, and disgusted with the people who work for the company and are complacent with their mediocre positions and lifestyles and do not see that they have so much more potential than where they currently are in this world.  It's exhausting to be so positive around such negative energy.  I need change.

Here's to raising the bar[bell] and making changes.