Angry at Great Falls

So, I have my feedjit account that tells me who stops in to visit.  The the night of June 20th Great Falls stopped in.  Surprise.  You, Great Falls, didn't read the one post about you that I deleted.  I hope you don't think of me much longer.  I don't know what it was that made you second guess everything and let me go.  Craziness.  I wish I knew better the details.  I wanted you in my dream.  I told my friend Nick about you yesterday, and his supportive self helped me through some of the issues that I had trouble with you.

Take nine eleven.  Nick told me similarly how horrible it is that I would think so poorly about our country having involvement.  But, when he also said how poorly some people choose to do their jobs to prevent such an event, then everything made more sense.  I see how poorly people do their jobs everyday.  I wish we wouldn't have fought over this.  I hate to think that you may think poorly of me for thinking as I have.

I wanted to share things with you.  Take running.  I was always a runner.  It helps my heart condition stay under control better than if I don't.  I enjoy the alone time in the outdoors, in the rain especially and in sand.  Hail and wind and cold water made Oregon's beach fun; that will always be a good memory.  I wish I had been healthier and felt better.  I wanted to run a marathon because I felt it would bring us together, give us a reason to celebrate.  I want my dream more though.  I need to move forward from here just for me.  Looking at my marathon training schedule makes me think of you daily; I want to be able to let you go.

I think about you late at night at work when it is really slow.  I think about whether I would still feel for you if you walked into the building at any moment looking for me.  I know better.  I don't know what I have to offer you.  I'm not the right person for you at this point in my life.  I have no money.  And, I bet I was fairly depressing to hang out with in Oregon.  I think if I saw you again I'd cry and tell you to leave me.

I need this, to be apart from you, to be able to focus more on me.  And still, I questioned Nick about the helicopter pilots in Iraq.  He told me you probably wouldn't be there long.  He told me that things happen but rarely.  It sounds like you'll be pretty safe over there.  And, if not, Nick will come to find what's left of you, lol.  I know that's not funny.

My mother is getting married in less than a month.  I imagine my brother will in the next year.  My sister did this year.  My sister is going to give birth in a couple months.  None of it really excites me.  I am absolutely depressing.  I am absolutely depressing.  I'm sad.  I cried again today while I wrote this.  I'm angry you stopped by.  I know its you.  You come from Facebook.  Who else would come directly?

And, to think I probably watched for you for a week or two as well.  It's perfect that you waited.  I'm still angry.  Frustrated.  Disappointed.  But, I'll keep telling myself I'm over it.  I've been getting a lot of support from everyone back home.  I'm doing okay.  I'll be okay, trust me.  The doctors are taking great care of me.

A Little Bit of Love!

[Thank you Shakira!]

I get to see my doctor next Tuesday.  They found a location of mutation cells from all the tests they ran the day before I left for Oregon.  It's kind of a relief, though it sucks still, that they found anything.  This last year has been awful, really, for me.  If nothing else, thank God for Drew to help keep me sane!  I still wish that Oregon would have gone so much differently, but live and learn.  Still, the doctors are telling me the area is precancerous but not to worry because they're going to get it out.  And, that makes me feel so much better.  Surgery then more testing after 3-4 months to determine whether I can rest easy and just deal with my digestive issues, lol, and that will be the end of it.  Hopefully.

I have yet to understand how much time I should take off work, but at least the timing is right.  My temptation rightfully refuses to tempt, the pilot is long gone, and I'm in this time of transition with just about everything.  And, since I've been feeling really well and coming up healthy in all the tests, recovery should be simple.  Maria brought home a 2011 daily sudoku calendar to keep my mind off everything, especially Oregon, and you can tell how well its been working, right?  I love her for it!  But, it is nice to feel like all the stress and pain my poor immune system (thank goodness it is strong) has been dealing with may have a better 2012.  I am already looking forward to it!

I'm still dealing with the gastritis, and I struggled with it in Oregon a lot, especially since drinking a lot would have probably lightened the mood every day.  We should have went to the bars daily; I'm just not that kind of person with the pain that alcohol can cause in my digestive system!  Fudge, right!  And, I am enjoying my caffeine in limited doses being back home, and it sure does help keep me in great spirits.  I'm feeling really great though, continuously, and life is just getting better and better as I am getting past all the shit I've dealt with this last year.  Conclusions brighten my mood these days!  Whoo!

Today is a light running day, but I have yet to tackle it.  I slept mostly through the night, a shocker being a third shifter, but I think I'll eat another meal, hit the weights on upper body and a lil' back, then run before late as the temperatures cool down outdoors and the caffeine in my system wears off.  I've been feeling really strong.  :D  This world is in for it!  Watch out!  This gal is back!  I only fear what my doctors are going to tell me as far as restrictions and recovery time.  Will I be able to swim?  Have a beer after work?  Keep running on schedule?  We will see!

Either way with it all... I am happy.  I know I'm on the right path still.  I feel like it is a clearer path as well.  How can I really be this happy today? (!)  :D  Love you all.

Temptation and Family

"An Ode To Maybe"  ... It brings back my younger years like nothing else.

Training is going well.  I am getting back to the weights, but I am also staying consistent with the running.  I'm excited the direction this body I'm in is going.  Especially since I may only have one or two more doctor visits this year before they clear me of the crud I've been dealing with.  I'm off ALL medications this week.  I'm hoping the pain stays at a minimum.  I've been getting by really well.

My extended family has been amazing to me this past week, and I am so grateful!  I keep running into more and more familiar faces, and the love they extend out to me in response to recent events is amazing.  Losing my dad, to a bummer Europe trip, to seriously ill, to a bummer Oregon trip... A bit more theanine in my diet and I am good to go!

Oregon was interesting.  It was the complete opposite of my European adventure, and it was far too much driving.  The first two days were the best.  The last couple were really tough.  Walking around the park in Bend was pretty, but I felt eaten alive in conversation.  And, when the tears started to fall, I was ready to leave that day.  But, things got better that night with the run, and I guess I'm really just glad I made it out feeling good.  It could've been a lot worse; I could have gotten sick.  I know I felt really dizzy that last day.  I hope skipping a meal was the cause.  I can't worry about it; I survived.

Temptation.  I need my best pal.  The one I pushed back when I met Drew, hoping he'd be it.  I need my laughing buddy.  I need my law-breaking, crazy-talking, van-driving, cycle-correcting, Spanish-speaking, gypsy friend.  I need my [using my best movie announcing voice] "the Separator" hero.  I need our laughs and great company.  I miss the many laughs of high quality realness!  Bring 'em!  I need my friend back!

I'm outta here.  I have work to do!

"I Want To Fly Away"

"I Want To Get Away"

So, everyone has been great at work.  What a last couple days!  From hugs from Marcia, Brad, Gary, etc..., the willing bodies from 2nd shift to take a road trip and offer to do damage (jokingly and lovingly), to the offers from the young guys in the back to take care of any of my needs.  Ha.  Seriously!

I need these two days away from work.  Yet, here I sat trying to finish The Endurance before the library due date.  With a 5pm appointment to check out a house and having had my first cup of coffee in a long time, I don't think I'll be sleeping til dark today.  I postponed my run til tomorrow, due to today's rain.  And, I think I'll attempt the 8.7 hilly miles tomorrow.  I think I'm scheduled for a 90 minute run, but I know I'll probably be a bit over.  We will see.  The weather looks perfect after the rain clears tomorrow morning.

I tried working some of the knots out of my back with Ally's tennis ball, but I know I'm still due for a visit with Stephanie.  It's on my long list of things to do.  The docs didn't like what they found from the testing done the day before I left to see Drew.  Another appointment will happen in the near future.  Bummer on top of bummer.  Maybe just one or two last visits?  I'm still not planning on having the surgery they recommended last fall.  Maybe down the road, but I'm maintaining everything rather well right now.  I've been feeling really good compared to all the days in the last year.

This feeling good is awesome, and this next week shall be huge in my search and determination for new employment.  It's been too long already.  I'm fighting, and I want the next big promotion.  It's mine.  Mary even said last night how excited she is to have me as her protege.  Game on.  This race is mine!  I shall not be disqualified!  Hear me roar!  I've had enough!