"Hurts Like This"

There is something about having Valentine's Day just recently passed and working out in the gym near daily, if not more than once a day, that makes me miss you more, makes me miss coming home to someone dear and special. I leave for London in less than two weeks and hope its the beginning of the end. This is a dream of mine. The training, the traveling, the hope.

Still, "the walls between you and I" seem to be "always pushing us apart," and it scares me as "the space between our calm and rage" recently "started growing shorter." Some days I sit at home wondering when I may see you. And, "I wish it didn't hurt like this."

I love being asked questions about my training, and I'm bound to ask you questions about yours for as long as I may be able to pick your brain. I love the soreness I feel in my muscles as you push me directly or indirectly to work harder on my goals as I see you conquer your own.

"Do you believe that time heals all wounds?" The time without someone at my side, without holding another's hand has been all too long, and "this could [be] the best we've ever had." So, "I need to say so bad, 'what [are] you waiting for?'" Is it me you've been looking for?

"I was sitting there waiting in my room for you" developing a plan to keep me busy while you were away. I was developing my plan towards becoming an IFBB pro when you came walking in. I was developing my plan towards finishing college and tossing my life to the wind. And, here I go taking a leap. This is my dream. This is where everything becomes real. And, will you be joining me in all that is left?

"I was sitting there waiting in my room for you"...

Today's Song: Skillet's "The Older I Get"

"Break Away"

So, I passed my CPT exam! I'm officially a certified trainer without a hired position or any clients. High five! Ha. What has happened in the last twenty four hours is completely surreal to me. I feel the only thing that has kept me going is the caffeine in my system.

Wherefore art thou Mr. Incredible?

Last night the silence ate at me as I studied the final night away after a calming yoga class. My head was spinning by the time I crashed, falling asleep on the floor of my bedroom. Today, everything that has happened up to this point was just confirmed. Oh, what great weight has been lifted from my shoulders!

So, I tortured my shoulder muscles today. I needed another "pick me up." And, being at the gym was perfect. It was almost a scene out of Stomp the Yard the movie. Having my run and lifting the weights was exactly what I needed. If you were there, you know it as truth! Stretching out the muscles of the lower extremities in preparation for tomorrow felt great. There's no stopping me now. IFBB competitors watch out! "I won't stop. I won't say I've had enough."

This is the beginning of my break away. This is my break away from all of those who've pushed down my dream. This is my break away from all of those who've tried to stand in my way. This is my break away from the bubble I have built comfortably around me. "Tonight I break away."

"Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can't stand the way this place is
Take yourself to higher places
...
Let's go we're gonna light it up
Tonight we start the fire
Tonight we break away"

Keep training, and I'll see you in the gym!

Song of the day: Three Days Grace's "Break"

"I've Tried To Tell You"

Did I see it in my dreams? Could I really believe it? Not only did it happen, but it happened how I thought it would twice! Unbelievable! I almost wish I could "put your mind at ease, again," but instead I am here laughing at you. I am walking away with a smile on my face.

I bet "you've been tossing turning" as if you're "so damn worried." Other things are "getting underneath [my] skin," but you're certainly not one of them! "I've tried to tell you now; don't look over your shoulder, 'cause that's just the ghost of me you're seeing in your dreams." I'm not about to help you now.

And to my own skin irritations:

"Wait there's no rhyme or reason
Sometimes there's no meaning
In the visions when you're sleepin'
Don't wake up and believe them
You're looking at the ghost of me"

I am bound to move on again soon; Mr. Incredible is calling. I've worked too hard for far too long. Underpaid and underappreciated. I cannot continue to please everyone else when I'm still working on pleasing me. Take my money and run. I know it's getting underneath your skin now, but I'm done worrying about giving them all they want. I'm done doing your dirty work. I'm reclaiming my time.

"Don't look over your shoulder
'cause that's just the ghost of me
You're seeing in your dreams
...
You're looking at the ghost of me
You're looking at the ghost of me
You're looking at the ghost of me"

Song of the day: "Ghost of Me" by Daughtry

"I've Become Indestructible"

So what if I have my own agenda. It's about time I finally do! "The powers have called me away. ... To win the honor ... a war you're unable to win. ... Another cause for me to fight."

For all too long I've been this young gal kept inside her walls. It's kind of like being Vicki from the old television show Small Wonder. I'm inside the closet recharging my battery. Well, good news for me, the Vanessa in me has come out to play!

It's leg day, and I can feel the lack of caffeine inside my blood! I have a lot I want to get done today, and it's already past noon! But, I'm on this new mission and will find a way to get it all done. My back feels great after yesterday's workout! I cannot wait to tackle today's leg workout! I suppose I should get everything organized in the house and get on with my day!

Training is going better, as I have a better idea of what I am doing with every new day that passes. My Mr. Incredible helps to challenge me with proper training and nutrition. I'll learn to let him help me more; I know I'm stubborn. There are less than four weeks before take off! There is still plenty of work to be done!

I have twelve weeks left of classes! It's unbelievable! It has gone by so fast and yet it seems like I still have forever to go. I know though that these last weeks will go fast. I know they'll go even faster with my training become more involved. This is what I've been living for! This point in my life is most exciting!

"You will be shown, how I've become... indestructible."

Song of the day: Disturb's "Indestructible"

"My Own Madness"

So, this morning I was greeted by Papa Roach as I warmed up my car and headed out to the health club for some much needed morning cardio. Thank you WGRD for making my morning perfect! I needed the loud music to get me moving! It's "what creates my own madness!"

"Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness" I am able to settle my thoughts on my training and go full force. Focused, I do what I need to do on a daily basis to the best of my ability. And to my training: "you're the master ... and I'm addicted to your punishment."

In the gym to those who don't know me I may seem "irritional" as I interact with those who see me there on a daily basis, as I scream at the top of my lungs, and WHOO out loud to express my excitement. With those who give me looks of disgust rather than smiles and bouts of laughter, I may just become "confrontational" someday. Watch out!

And in the gym, "to tell the truth, I am getting away with murder" as I beat myself up with all the resistance. The old me is being suppressed, as I form myself into the gal I have imagined myself for far too long. And, I'm "getting away, getting away, getting away" from all I used to be. "It isn't possible" for me to stay in my bubble forever! I'm "getting away!"

"I drink my [protein] drink, and I don't even want to. I think my thoughts when I don't even need to. I never look back cause I don't even want to! And I don't need to, because I'm getting away with murder!"

My training, it's "what creates my own madness. ... And I'm addicted to [its] punishment. And [it's] the master. And I am craving it's disaster!" Oh, the pain currently inside my glutes and legs, how I love thee!

Thank you Mr. Incredible. ;)

Song of the day: Papa Roach's "Getting Away With Murder"