I don't know exactly why today has been so emotionally
difficult. Part of it may be that I had a long, hard week with work, college
classes, friends, and family. Maybe it’s
because I have a theoretical empty space in my heart, a feeling of not being
completely whole. Perhaps it has
everything to do with my thoughts about my goals for the next year. And, another part of my mind tells me it has
something to do with choices I’ve made in the past and wondering today, with an
effect like disrupting a still body of water while unintentionally kicking up
the sand while walking through it, how relationships with my family may be
different had certain things happened differently. I still know I’m right where I want to be, I’m
simply impatient for what is to come. Still,
today has been a tear-jerker of a day, and the fall weather is setting in too,
which hasn’t helped cheer up the day.
I feel like in writing a few sentences, I may have answered my own question; maybe I know exactly why today has been difficult. Family and friends have been on vacation recently, and I have been tending to their usual needs while away. The tasks were nothing I couldn’t handle, and I was pleased to be able to help. Work is going well, and I tried to get caught up best I could. I’m still so far behind in getting donation processing completed, imaging paperwork copied and sent in, and I would have liked to have made more phone calls before my time was up today to get all of the hiring set up for next week. My boss likes to remind me that I am doing a great job, but I’m exhausted. And, I’m not just exhausted from work; college has me embracing organic chemistry with every spare moment I am willing to allow it. I need to remind myself I need more sleep so that I may better focus when I sit down to study. My friends have been great and are keeping me pumped up with the last few runs of the year coming quickly and also are slowly filling up my running calendar for next year. I am getting better, too, at sharing my feelings with my family and reminding them of the love and appreciation I have for them.
The theoretical empty space in my heart is really an overflowing desire to pour out more love and appreciation. I wish so badly that there was one person in my life that could say to me, “you’re worth everything.” I haven’t found that person, yet. My mother likes to remind me how I have so many [single male] friends. Yes, I do have them. But, despite frequent hopeful attempts and opening my world up to people, I haven’t found the open arms and strong emotional connection I desire. I was just told today, from one of the guys I went on a few dates with last year and am still friends with, that I’m intimidating. It made me chuckle; I’m not scary. I’m very soft and kind-hearted. My girlfriends laughed when one of them said to me “I can’t figure out what’s wrong with you,” in relation to me not having luck with men. I figure it’s the world’s way of saying that the man meant for me is still having work done in his heart and isn’t done “growing” yet. Or, maybe I’m not quite done “growing.”
I’ve come a long way since my days as a fearless high school graduate in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Today I watched “TheUltimate Gift,” a movie I watched years ago and recently read the sequel that was created into a movie as well that is just out in theaters. It’s a tear-jerker and made me think about things that I’ve done, about my life with my dad, about my relationships with my siblings, and about the distance between extended family members. We all seem to create our own families with the people we love around us, blood-relatives or not. I do my best to live in the moment with all of them. This can be difficult with my future-thinking as I move toward my dreams and also with my stresses and deadlines with work and college, but I feel good about my friendships and fearlessly living in the moments.
Another reason why I know I’m struggling now is because for more than five minutes I sat thinking about my life with suppressed fears surfacing; I have fears that I don’t communicate with my family or friends. I put on this happy face and remind myself to be strong every day. I am so grateful for all I have, and I hope that all of my dietary changes in the last few years allow me many, many more years to be grateful for. I remember going to the drive-ins during high school summer break and praying during the meteor shower, desiring more years for my dad even if it mean transferring some of what he was going through to me. But, any good-hearted person going through such a disease wouldn’t wish it upon even their worst enemy. And, writing it out helps me release these worries and stress. It would be a tragedy for me to leave this world without spreading the love and knowledge I have to more people!
I feel like in writing a few sentences, I may have answered my own question; maybe I know exactly why today has been difficult. Family and friends have been on vacation recently, and I have been tending to their usual needs while away. The tasks were nothing I couldn’t handle, and I was pleased to be able to help. Work is going well, and I tried to get caught up best I could. I’m still so far behind in getting donation processing completed, imaging paperwork copied and sent in, and I would have liked to have made more phone calls before my time was up today to get all of the hiring set up for next week. My boss likes to remind me that I am doing a great job, but I’m exhausted. And, I’m not just exhausted from work; college has me embracing organic chemistry with every spare moment I am willing to allow it. I need to remind myself I need more sleep so that I may better focus when I sit down to study. My friends have been great and are keeping me pumped up with the last few runs of the year coming quickly and also are slowly filling up my running calendar for next year. I am getting better, too, at sharing my feelings with my family and reminding them of the love and appreciation I have for them.
The theoretical empty space in my heart is really an overflowing desire to pour out more love and appreciation. I wish so badly that there was one person in my life that could say to me, “you’re worth everything.” I haven’t found that person, yet. My mother likes to remind me how I have so many [single male] friends. Yes, I do have them. But, despite frequent hopeful attempts and opening my world up to people, I haven’t found the open arms and strong emotional connection I desire. I was just told today, from one of the guys I went on a few dates with last year and am still friends with, that I’m intimidating. It made me chuckle; I’m not scary. I’m very soft and kind-hearted. My girlfriends laughed when one of them said to me “I can’t figure out what’s wrong with you,” in relation to me not having luck with men. I figure it’s the world’s way of saying that the man meant for me is still having work done in his heart and isn’t done “growing” yet. Or, maybe I’m not quite done “growing.”
I’ve come a long way since my days as a fearless high school graduate in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Today I watched “TheUltimate Gift,” a movie I watched years ago and recently read the sequel that was created into a movie as well that is just out in theaters. It’s a tear-jerker and made me think about things that I’ve done, about my life with my dad, about my relationships with my siblings, and about the distance between extended family members. We all seem to create our own families with the people we love around us, blood-relatives or not. I do my best to live in the moment with all of them. This can be difficult with my future-thinking as I move toward my dreams and also with my stresses and deadlines with work and college, but I feel good about my friendships and fearlessly living in the moments.
Another reason why I know I’m struggling now is because for more than five minutes I sat thinking about my life with suppressed fears surfacing; I have fears that I don’t communicate with my family or friends. I put on this happy face and remind myself to be strong every day. I am so grateful for all I have, and I hope that all of my dietary changes in the last few years allow me many, many more years to be grateful for. I remember going to the drive-ins during high school summer break and praying during the meteor shower, desiring more years for my dad even if it mean transferring some of what he was going through to me. But, any good-hearted person going through such a disease wouldn’t wish it upon even their worst enemy. And, writing it out helps me release these worries and stress. It would be a tragedy for me to leave this world without spreading the love and knowledge I have to more people!
WOOOooo!
[And, Sara is smiling again like usual.]
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