"This Is My Life..."

I'm a hopeless romantic.

I could write here all day with the thoughts I have running through my mind.  I have a dream.  I know that no dream of mine will become true reality.  I cannot live in this false world of my brain that has visions of the possibilities.  Nothing turns out 100% as we imagine; sometimes things turn out better.

I ran away to London in March to meet a man.  Yes, I flew thousands of miles on my own to meet someone who I loved talking with.  I won't lie that I miss talking with someone for hours.  The silence I have experienced in the last couple months, the void of a single person who seems perfect in my eyes is hard to live without.  I hate coming home to roommates, but they sure are nice to keep me laughing.

But, I'd rather be laughing with someone special and dear to me.  I'm tired of not being near the top of someone's list of priorities.  I miss that.  I miss being cared about and cared for.  I miss surprises.

Lately the only surprises I have gotten have been from the health of my body.  I haven't been doing so great.  I fought off an ulcer or ulcers... it was never really fully diagnosed but was treated and took care of the pain.  I did a gallbladder cleanse and had stones come out; at twenty five years of age it was scary!  Today I went back to the doctor for some more info and suggestions.  And, Monday will have another test done.  Hopefully this is the end of the health struggles for the year.

It makes me wonder though if I was sick before I went on my trip or if my trip attributed to the oncoming pain.  A broken heart, an empty wallet, infection and abdominal pain were all things I ended up with.  I'm laughing.  Life used to be so much easier; where did those good days run off to?

Still Payin' My Dues

My health is on its way back, so the weight training is in my near future again.  I've stayed about the same weight, but I sure don't feel as good as I did back in March.  This has been a long battle, and I feel like this chapter isn't yet over.

In other news, I'm excited with the friendship that has been built, broken, rebuilt, broken again, and rebuilt again.  It seems building a strong foundation has been through building scar tissue in the layers that make up our past.  Nothing good comes without great sacrifice.  Both sides have worked hard for this one.

One thing I never realized were the pair of big shoes I carry around that need to be filled.  Today my dear friend mentioned feeling like he has to fill the empty shoes of my father.  Emotionally, I fear he may be right.  I am fully capable of taking care of myself, but in the company of a male I prefer to be taken care of.  I've never once asked for financial support or more than one meal, but I lack some of the confidence and emotional stability that may be different had I a stronger family support system.  Who knows.

The hair has been redone... The closet is being refilled slowly... My relationship situation is being rebuilt...

My body... needs to be reconstructed.  I have work to do!

The Love of Family

A late evening picture that arrived to my phone last night made my week. It’s amazing what a little change in life’s plans will do for the soul, what a little church will do for a mother’s love, and what a long dinner get-together can do for a family. I have so many happy tears inside my soul; I wish my dad could see these days. The love of family has been getting me through these tough weeks.

Tomorrow I go to the hospital, so wish me luck and add me to your prayers. The many hours cut from my recent weeks of work are scary not only to my finances, but I fear what may come in the next couple weeks. I hope that the source of my pain can be found and fixed as soon as possible. Without college, it’s hard to keep my worn out but still restless body busy. Training has been hard recently; I’m hoping for a good fix and quick recovery.

“Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
Calm the ache, stop the shakes
You clear my mind
You're my escape
From this messed up place
'Cause you let me forget
You numb my pain”
Today’s Song: “Better Than Drugs” by Skillet

On With “The Good Life”

So, I’m excited. Besides knowing that there will be some rough patches just in front of me with whatever illness has been attacking my usual upbeat demeanor, I have some new things brewing in my mind. Balance, a key ingredient that I’ve been lacking, has arrived at my doorstep. I have to get my meals in order, preplanned and premade, but otherwise my training schedule looks good for the summer with the time away from school. I’m debating about furthering my education, but at this point it will stay on hold for a bit.

“The good life… I need a change and I need it fast.”

I’m back to the drawing board too with my career. Not that I’m planning on going into a different direction, but I’m finally at a point where I have time to think about my next move. My training is back into the schedule and looking like it will be strong with the help of a few dear friends. Watching my recently received Gina Aliotti dvd brings me inspiration. That IFBB pro card is still swinging in front of me. I know I can do it.

But, could more important people change my mind about what is most important in this short life of mine? I’m definitely living a little of the good life!

Today's Song: 3 Days Grace "The Good Life"

"This Life Ain't the Fairy Tale..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2UAy0rV8DI

Sometimes life throws a curve ball.
Sometimes things happen completely unexpectedly.

I have found myself in the care of a dear friend recently, so scared of something happening to me when no one else is around.  I'm still in pain and trying to figure out, with the doctors, what is wrong with me.  I found myself in the gym yesterday with an unexpected training partner.  I've found myself surrounded lately by the very people I have missed and needed.  Sometimes life brings you back to where you need to be.  Sometimes something so important needs to be lost, so you can see what had been ignored in the surroundings.  Sometimes life throws a curve ball that may just be the fairy tale that we were waiting to see.
Today's song: 3 Doors Down's "Your Arms Feel Like Home"